Lord?  Are you there?

Where are you today Lord?  I look around at your creation, I see the sky with its height so great only You know it, I see the ocean with its vast depths that only You know its true measurements, I hear the bird’s song so unique that only You can understand and recognize it, I see You at work in creation but Lord where are you in my life?  At my address, in my home are you here?  Do you see my worries, my concerns, my struggles, my frustrations, my questions?  Why have you chosen to keep me here?  What is my purpose at this moment and what part does my life have to do with Your creation?  If I did not exist would it make a difference in Your ending?  Are You pleased when You look down at our home address and see the acts that we are engaged in or do You turn away in disappointment?  Lord, where are you today?   Why can’t I hear Your voice leading me or feel Your hand guide me?  I am sure to get lost or lose my way if You do not guide me.  I cannot afford to make any more mistakes, do You not see that?  I have messed up too many times and I am fearful that the grace You have so graciously extended to me is quickly running out.   Can You not just come sit with me for a while Lord?  I need to know from You what You want me to do?  My purpose is so cloudy and need to see clearly what part I play in Your masterpiece.  I do not want to fail You.  I do not want You to regret creating me.  I do not want  to disobey You.  I do not want to miss You at work. 

Lord, where are You wanting my family to go?  Are we even on the right path?  If not, what is our fate?  Have You given up on us?  Are we out of second chances?  If not, will You show us clearly the way which we are to go?  Will You make known to us Your word that says,  “I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.”   Gracious God, my family cannot move another step without  Your direction.  God, we are waiting on You, we are looking for You, we are listening for Your voice, we are ready, we are standing with out-stretched arms.  Take our hand and lead us.

Foster Care

Our Beginning

I have always had a love for children and looking back I can see it is a passion that God placed in my heart from the beginning.  As a child I visited an orphanage with my Girls in Action group from church and it was there I met a young boy sitting alone in the corner of the playground.  I do not remember much about what we talked about except that he told me "no one wants me and I don't belong to anyone".  It was hard for me to understand at the time just how sad those words were.  However, they did pierce my heart and I questioned my parents about going back and getting him.  It was much more complicated than that but I never forgot him or what he said that day.  So, as I grew up my love for children grew and whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was always - a mommy.

After I got married the desire to have kids took root deeper.  Once we decided to expand our family, disappointment and heartache soon descended on our home. Becoming a mommy turned into a science project to put it mildly.  Years of disappointment followed as well as prayers for God to remove my desire to have kids.  But that was not part of God's plan.  After a horrible miscarriage, we welcomed our son, Jackson and two years later, our daughter, Hannah.  Then God closed the door for me to physically have any more babies and I thought I would have to learn to be content with my family of four even though I still had a desire for more.  Despite me not accepting what I could not see, God's plan prevailed and He kept my desire alive.  God put the idea of fostering on my heart and our family talked about it and prayed about it.  We were all commited to giving it a try.  We signed up for classes and here we are four years into the fostering adventure.

To look back now and see how God had made me to have compassion and a love for kids then he took what He designed and put His purpose to work to make me a foster mom is absolutely mind blowing. Fostering has opened  our eyes to so many things.  It is a humbling and life changing experience.  We pray for the kids God wants to place in our home because without Him we could not foster.  Whether we pray or not kids will get removed from homes across the state so I want to be as prepared as I can for the kids that will be placed with our family.  We got our first call to foster on a Wednesday night and I thought I was ready but as the time got close to the kids arriving I found myself doubting that I could do this.  It was nearly 10:30pm when the worker arrived with the girls ( 3 month old and 16 months old).  We instantly went from a family of four to a family of six.  I was surprised how quickly the girls adjusted and fit into our family.  Visits quickly got started and I was able to visit with the parents of the girls.  We shared our stories and I captured as many memories as I could.  Soon, reunification with the mom took place.  She really worked hard and I was glad for her and the girls.  Since then we have had 26 kids in our home all below the age of 5.  Some we have had for over a year, some only a few weeks but mostly we have them over 6 months.  It has not been a easy road parenting someone else's child but knowing that each child deserves love and hope we did what we could.  Letting go when it is time for kids to return can be bittersweet.  We work at preparing for the day they leave and we work to prepare the kids to leave.  We have tried hard to work with all the biological parents of the kids we have fostered but we have discovered that the lifestyle they are use to is the one they quickly return to.  It is greatly discouraging to see.  I feel I have likely learned more lessons from the kids we have fostered than I have taught them and that is a good thing.

Just finishing reading a book by Mark Batterson entitled, In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day.  So, starting this blog and making it public is a Huge lion for me.  I love writing but making my thoughts public is really scary for me.  So here I go on my first lion chasing.  
Living so close to the beach is a great blessing but too often I take it for granite.  I love to sit on the beach and watch the waves.  The ocean can be peacefully calm one day and roaring the next.  We under-estimate the power of water until a storm comes.  Yet God has complete control over every drop and at his command millions of drops of water will stop where He commands. 

"Who enclosed the sea with doors when, bursting forth, it went out from the womb; when I made a cloud its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and I placed boundaries on  it and set a bolt and doors and I said, 'Thus far you shall come, but no farther; and here shall your proud waves stop?" Job 38:8-11.  

     It is amazing and yet I doubt God so many times that He has my best interest at heart.  As Christians we often feel that we are owed an easier life because we have decided to believe.  But in reality it is often the opposite, God calls us to follow Him into the unknown (for us but not Him).  That is hard because we want control and we want to know details and timelines.  We want to be prepared in every way possible.  But, what God is wanting is for us to walk with Him letting Him lead the way so He can get us to the place where He will get the most glory.  If we can get there on our own knowlege, talents, looks, and abilities then we are not seeking God's best.  He wants to get us to a place where we completely depend on Him.